Spartanburg, SC – In a move sure to please conspiracy theorists and Evil Eye victims nationwide, the voters of SC’s 4th Congressional District have voted U.S. Representative Trey Gowdy (R) Honorary Witch-Hunter, a symbolic lifetime appointment.
Sporting his signature anti-witch hair gel and sweating profusely under the midday sun, Gowdy spoke briefly to a hastily-gathered press corps.
“I was given the Evil Eye,” Gowdy stated, “during my first meeting with then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. I vowed right then and there to leave no taxpayer dollar unspent to protect my constituents with unlimited horseshoes and onion garlands.”
After costing taxpayers more than $23 million and finding jack shit, the Select Committee on Benghazi now rests assured that its probe will find new life online via the revived #Benghazi campaign. They expect 24-7 tweets, posts, and Instagram submissions by disaffected wing nuts nationwide.
Gowdy finished by burning a pile of sulfur and salt, and thanked his constituents by handing out instructions for constructing their own personal Witch Bottles to repel Hillary from their God-given private property, in case she ever passes through. God forbid.
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