Atlanta, GA – Today the CDC announced an epidemic of debilitating cognitive dissonance in upstate South Carolina. Aggregate data from Greenville-Spartanburg psychiatric hospitals, along with party affiliation, led CDC epidemiologists to a stark conclusion: SC GOP voters are the sole victims.
The outbreak timing is correlated directly with President Donald Trump’s remarks from his recently completed European tour, where he repeatedly contradicted himself while attempting to uphold the “loud, ugly American” stereotype Europeans hold so dear.
In Brussels, the President stated “The Germans are bad, very bad. See the millions of cars they are selling in the U.S.? Terrible. We will stop this.”
Later, Mr. Trump Tweeted, “We have a MASSIVE trade deficit with Germany, plus they pay FAR LESS than they should on NATO & military. Very bad for U.S. This will change.”
Your Intrepid Reporter got to the meat of the matter by interviewing upstate Trump voters, who struggled to reconcile the President’s statements with BMW’s production facility in Spartanburg, and its well-paying jobs.
“I blame the Mexicans,” groused Codey Thadpleton, a BMW door-assembly technician. “If they hadn’t a TOOK ARE JOBS [sic] in the first place, we’d a’ never had none o’ this trade deficit business.”
Wanda Blojes seemed a bit more sanguine. “Our President is a highly successful businessman! He knows what’s best for us,” she said, a dramatic tic twitching wildly under her left eye.
Others seemed determined to recast the issue entirely.
“Let’s take over that damn BMW plant and nationalize it! That’ll show those Germans we mean business, just like Hitler done [unintelligible verbal distress squawks] before the war. Yeah, he got rid of all social welfare except programs for the Ayrans I mean white peoples, too!” proclaimed independent barbeque consultant Billy LaFence.
“Take a page from their own damn playbook!” he bellowed, while batting down an involuntary Dr. Strangelove-style Nazi salute.
“But her EMAILZ!” wailed Marcell McLouderness. “Merkel ain’t no better’n Hillary, even if she ain’t as much of a looker.”
Other voters lined up for the interview were in various states of physical and verbal distress, from body contortions, to glassy-eyed stares to holy-roller style speaking in tongues. Some were being gently coaxed into ambulances by first responders.
The CDC says the disease will have to run its course. There is no known cure, despite immunization attempts with decades of fact-based education.
