Perry Noble and the South Carolina Baptist Convention Sign MAD Agreement

Anderson, SC — Claiming the ultimate solution to doctrinal disagreement, Perry Noble of New$pring™ Church and the South Carolina Baptist Convention have signed onto MAD — Mutually Assured Damnation — to settle their long running spat over the nature of the Invisible Sky Primate.

Despite New$pring’s™ unceremonious excommunication from the SCBC in 2015, the renegade megachurch and the hard-boiled convention have continued their all-out Christian Jihad to destroy each other.

A typical exchange:

SCBC: “Cult!”
Noble: “You suck!”
SCBC: “Apostate!”
Noble: “Eat me!”

In the aftermath of the schism, both SCBC and New$pring™ have hired tech firms to employ Botnet email attacks against each others’ congregations, blowing up inboxes 24-7 with images of hard core gay porn (as an unexpected spinoff, each sect also employs Botnet denial-of-service attacks against gay couples who want to buy wedding cakes from God-fearing bakeries.)

Thunderous calls have rained down from pulpits statewide, employing congregants to mobilize and wipe South Carolina clean of their offensive sectarian opponents.

“If you can’t agree that the Invisible Sky Primate listens to Christian Punk Rock, then you suck as a human being!” bellowed Noble at a recent service.

Citing his rigid error-free Bible position, SCBC President Tom Tucker responded: “Only music of the lyre, reed-pipe, crotales and shofar are holy unto His Simian Ear. Noble and his heretics shall be cast into the Lake of Eternal Fire, where the only tunes they’re gonna hear shall be their own weeping, wailing, and tooth-gnashing! Amen.”

The parties have agreed that by the end of 2017, the sect with the largest number of unsullied congregant reputations shall be declared the winner, who shall verily thence ascend into their loving Primate Father’s eternal grasp.