As Hurricane Hermine nears, Haley urges citizens to “Pray harder, dammit”

Columbia, SC — As tropical weather system Hermine bears down on the Gulf Coast on its way to the Carolinas, Governor Nikki Haley (R) is admonishing South Carolinians to pray the storm away.

“We saw how little you Columbians prayed when God displayed his wrath with the floods of 2015,” Haley said Thursday. “You midlands and coastal heathens could learn a thing or two from our blessed friends in the upstate– they’re covered by the blood of Jesus, and the prayers of Bob Jones. There’s a reason why Clemson went so far in the playoffs last year!”

While many South Carolinians believed that the State’s infrastructure problems were solved by the $3.2 billion in infrastructure bills passed in 2013 and 2016, Haley thought otherwise.

“Do you really think that $3.2 billion dollars will fix all of our infrastructure problems? It will take at LEAST $2 billion just to bring all of our bridges up to the minimum standard. There’s no way in HELL the government will be prepared for this. We’ll be relying on a stream of highly effective prayers to take care of us this time!”

Haley further advised citizens on several ways to curry favor with the good Lord above.

“As your Governor, heed my words: Lighten up on the masturbation for a few days. Keep your hands folded in prayer, and not in your lap– up high under your chin, where it counts more. If you’re gay, try to at least act straight until this thing blows over. Definitely no sex in the dirty place, especially between men. I’m telling you South Carolina, one wrong stroke, or one too many bean-flick, and we’re straight fucked. Or gay fucked. I mean, it’s better to be straight fucked. Definitely in the missionary position. God, is it hot in here? Somebody, turn on a fan. Okay, let’s do this South Carolina!”