Camden, SC — Pressured by relentless criticism, the Carolina Cup, a steeplechase rich in tradition, has announced new initiatives to attract a more diverse audience to this year’s event.
Ashley Whitehall, an event organizer, allows that she is nonplussed by all the critics. “I’m not a racist. We’ve done so much to increase diversity! Last year I brung two black friends, and my bestie Madison said she saw some guy in a yarmulke!”
This year’s changes were detailed by Chad Crapps, Kappa Alpha brother at the University of South Carolina. “Ticket holders will be welcomed by our new gate mascot, ‘Toby.’ Like the lawn jockeys of yore, this cultural icon of the South will signal ‘welcome’ to all, regardless of race, creed or color.”
When questioned about extending the new initiatives to transgender bathrooms, Crapps dithered. “I ain’t sure. There’s a port-a-john over yonder by the pine plantation they might could use. Hell, if they got the right parts they can just piss in the woods like me and my bros do. We can’t have nobody danglin’ man junk all over the ladies’ commode.”
New drinks will also be available at this year’s Cup. In addition to the traditional coolers filled with Busch Ice, PBR, Natty Light, and Driven Snow Wit, those in the know are advised to seek special reserves of red and purple drink.
Mixologist Tanner Mickey elaborated: “All drinkers must present a state-issued ID card to verify age of 21 or over. We don’t want no drunk thugs running around loose here at the Cup.”
Others were not so sure about the new initiatives. Cletus Skankleton, a longtime attendee and winner of the Seersucker King award three years running, had this to say: “People are so dadgum drunk out here they’re colorblind anyway. Hell, a black boy could run nekkid through this crowd and hardly be noticed.”
At last light, three organizers in confederate flag bow ties and straw boaters were seen replacing Toby’s lantern with a welcoming arrangement of plastic bananas.
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