Clemson, SC — Clemson’s Board of Trustees voted to reward Dabo “Dabo” Swinney for leading the Tigers to a national championship loss on Monday by increasing his salary to $45 billion dollars, and “unlimited handjobs”, a move that will make Swinney the most well-caressed coach in Clemson history.
“We just wanted to make certain Dabo’s hands remain soft and supple, so he doesn’t have to resort to games of grab-ass, milking the dirty turtle, or roughing the passer,” Board of Trustees chairman Tillman Thummerthett told Teh State reporters after their latest board meeting.
“Listen, we know we can’t beat more than one SEC team in a season, but we’ve got to give ourselves a fighting chance. We’re confident this contract will keep Swinney here at least another six months without getting butthurt and going home to Alabama. The man has needs, goddammit!”
Swinney’s Tigers marched to a 14-0 record during 2015, before by imploding in the fourth quarter against a mediocre 2015 Alabama Crimson Tide.
The new contract will see Swinney become the second-highest compensated coach in college football, behind zombie Bear Bryant, who in 2009 received an “any student, any hole” bonus clause in his perpetual contract.
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