Haley paints skin, heads to Standing Rock in effort to avoid Secretary of State pick by Trump

Columbia, SC — Following news that President-elect Donald Trump is considering her for Secretary of State, SC Governor Nikki Haley has disappeared from the South Carolina.  Public affairs officer Lt. Dannel Horsmellz from the SC State Law Enforcement Division reports that a woman wearing war paint, buckskins, and an eagle feather bonnet was seen on camera Wednesday afternoon stealing a SC Highway Patrol car from the Governor’s Mansion grounds, and taking off northwest at a high rate of speed.

“We don’t know if it was the Governor, but the car was seen on I-26 sporting a #neverTrump and #standingRock bumper sticker, and ‘Feather, not Dot’ painted on the rear glass,” Horsmellz said at a press conference regarding the Governor’s absence. When Teh State reporters asked what law enforcement was doing to stop her, he stared at the ground and kicked his feet at the dirt. “Have you ever tried to make a woman do something she didn’t want to? Shit man, you’re a braver man than I if you have.”

When asked about Haley’s potential as a Secretary of State, President-elect Trump indicated that he would need to “fully test out her equipment, if you know what I mean, before making my selection.”