Union, SC – In a shocking press release, the National Basketball Association announced plans to relocate the Toronto Raptors franchise to Union, South Carolina. The announcement is unprecedented, as the move was revealed in the midst of a Toronto playoff run. Even more shocking is the site of the relocation; Union County claims only 28,961 residents, according to 2010 census data. The team announced that it will rename itself the “Union Rapture”. According to the Association of Religious Data Archives, Union County holds the distinction of being South Carolina’s “most religious county”, with an astonishing 807.9 out of 1,000 persons claiming to be faith-based and adherent to their beliefs.
“I reckon it was Deacon Ledbetter who brought the idea to our congregation,” said Reverend Wallace Klutz, pastor of Our Holy Father of Snake Handlers Primitive Pentecostal Church in Union. “He said the Lord spoke unto him a vision that a professional basketball team in Union would further His glory and praise His name. We held a countywide prayer meeting and had a laying of hands upon a basketball, and the Lord shone his light upon us, letting us know the Union Rapture was a righteous endeavor.”
With the press release, the team issued a new team name and logo, reflecting the fabric of Union County. Team representatives revealed plans to build a 400 seat arena, dubbed “The Sanctuary”. When asked how a 400 seat arena could be economically viable in the multi-billion dollar NBA business, Klutz responded, “The good Lord works in mysterious ways. We have faith that He will shepherd us to profitability and an NBA Championship.”
Plans for “The Sanctuary” include a replica of Christ’s tomb that will “roll away the stone” for dramatic team entrances onto the court. In order to remain sensitive to Union County’s beliefs, the NBA has agreed to rename “rebounds” as “rebirths”, “blocks” as “smites”, and will no longer record “steals” as a statistic. There will be no halftime dance team. Instead, conservatively dressed ladies in ankle-length skirts will lead the audience in hymns. To appeal to Union County fans, the public address announcer will speak in tongues.
The Union Rapture will begin play in the 2016-2017 season.
You guys are ridiculous. Are South Carolinians (at least those from the Lowcountry) really not supposed to realize that your website is a ripoff of Fauxcountry News? Same layout. Hardly a coincidence.